Can everyone in my life get a fucking grip and realize that things are NOT as bad as they seem? Or, if they cannot get that grip, then to go away- I am sick and tired of trying to make people smile who just are "out of it" and depressed on life- I can only do so much and it's draining trying to make people smile- especially when these are the same people that I need to lean on and they just aren't there- and it's not even like something major is wrong- it's just all "I'm out of it"- "it's not you, I'm just depressed"- well then go be depressed elsewhere and don't let me bog you down with my actual problems-
I guess why this journal is helpful- because I can vent here and actually feel listened to- right now I'm moving to Kenilworth- I have no help whatsoever- the boyfriend was going to move in in September and was supposed to give me $525.00 today- he misunderstood me and thought that he only owed me half that amount- so guess who can't get the keys to her apt. as she once thought she would today? So I STUPIDLY asked him if he could afford to live there and then said: do you want to move in in October instead and he JUMPED on that and was like- yeah- financially that would be better for me- nevermind how that financially fucks me up the ass. Because who cares how it affects me? And then when I CALMLY express that I'm displeased with his answer- he SCREAMS: Why did you ask? You ALWAYS do this to me.
Gee- I didn't realize he had it so rough- I found the place- I put down the entire deposit- we're using all my furniture because his house isn't sold yet- I found the washer and dryer because we can't use his until he sells his house- I found the frig because we can't use his until he sells his house...I've made the arrangements to see these appliances etc. He got the storage unit. Which I don't even need and he didn't get it until I pushed him and suggested that maybe he should do SOMETHING. This is the story of my life- you want something done right? Do it yourself- not to mention getting completely shot down earlier this week- spending an hour getting all dolled up and then being told: I'm tired......and yesterday it was the stupid argument over who is busier than who and I was trying to avoid that but he's like- well I have soooooooo much to do- fuck that- cry me a river- I suppose I just sit around on my ass so I can't possibly comprehend what it's like to be busy and juggle 8 milion things- yeah- that's it. SO now I'm living by myself for one month- I've made the decision for him- it's easier that way-
and my mother- CONSTANTLY depressed and I told her today just to leave me alone because I can't handle her depression all the fucking time and now I'm aggravated and she's not helping- to which she's like- you know why I'm depressed- the family is in turmoil...etc. I don't like your modeling- you're too classy to do some of the shots that you do. EXCUSE ME....but ALL the shots I take are classy and just because you can't wrap your 1930's mentality around that, don't make it my problem...if you can't support me (though it would be nice to have my mother's support) then shut the fuck up and don't mope around me because YOU can't handle it- you accomplish nothing and I'm not going to stop modeling because you don't like what I do- suck it up. and the family is in turmoil....ok- I'm sorry that my fight with my uncle is causing every single family member distress- but you don't make it any easier on me by pulling out the rug from me...we're not talking- that's all there is to it- and HE didn't call on my birthday- he didn't send a card- but guess what- I FUCKING DID for his birthday- like I know I was EXPECTED to- and still I get nothing for that- he doesn't call- nothing- forget how that makes me feel that the one person I considered a father figure in my life thinks I'm a drunk and I'm an idiot and is no longer around- let's forget that he uses money to buy people instead of picking up the phone- let's forget about all that and make me the bad guy- what the fuck do you people want from me? I sent a card- he's done nothing- I'm done.
Work- stressful- too much- too much responsibility- too much in general- and considering I spend 9-10 hours here a day to leave and go to depressed friends, relatives and boyfriend....it's more than I need-